See the thing about college is it gets old if you think too much about it.  Prior to a good amount of thought,  college seems like the most amazing time you can have.  I mean, I would love to go to parties, drink, meet a lot of people, and have a good time.  The thing is that I don't remember any of that stuff.  I've been so drunk at parties, sometimes I won't even remember what happened the next day.  There's a lot time I spent at Radford which I can't remember whatsoever.  And it's great, you know? There's nothing wrong with that until I start thinking about real fun.  Where I can remember specific details, and recall it much later with a person who I know is actually a friend.  The thing is I felt like I was coming to this conclusion too late but now I realize all the people that I know that is the only "fun" they know how to have.  I've been sober at the last couple parties I went to and really all people aim to do is to get as drunk as possible as though it was an actual accomplishment, and have a few laughs, most likely do something very stupid...only to not remember a good amount of it the following days.  I hosted a party a week or so ago and the first large group of people to arrive at my house simply wanted beer.  They were not even socializing really.  Weren't interested in really anything going on there because the keg hadn't arrived.  What the fuck is that?  Once the keg showed up though, everyone was great.  That's part of the reason I'm sad, for sure. 

I feel haunted by my past.  I feel like I've never done anything right...and even though I've been trying to do the right thing recently, it just feels useless.  I've been trying to not drink because I lose control a lot of the time and I don't know what I did the next day.  I realized the other day that I've had a problem with drinking for a very long time...and I just hide myself in pot, so I've been trying to stop that, too.  But after all that it's just me and I hate me.  I've been seeing a councelor lately and I just started taking an anti-depressant.  I thought it was starting to work, probably the placebo effect...but  with today I don't know. Maybe it's just a momentary loss of hope.  I'm not sure.

There's something destructive about dealing with pain alone...but sometimes I think that there are no answers and that eventually things will be okay.  I guess it's just about toughing it out.  But I don 't feel tough in the slightest.  One time I heard that everyone feels lonely.  I just wonder what they do about it...because I don't want it to be something I lose to.